Sunday, 27 November 2016


I had a great time at school, which I know puts me in the minority of British human beings. Don't get me wrong, it was cripplingly stressful with outrageous academic pressure that crushed my pre-pubescent shoulders. And yep, it was sprinkled with bitches who were The Plastics personified, but overall I had a pretty great circles of friends, got great grades and had a blast for the majority of the time.

But despite all the great stuff that school did for me, I do also blame it for the small fact that I still to this day feel cripplingly awkward in social situations. I went to an all girls' school, so THERE YOU GO - that explains a few things about me, doesn't it?

I'm mid-20s now and still have absolutely no real idea how to talk to the opposite sex, but as well as that, here's a whole load of truths that you'll really only understand if you went to an all girls' school.

1. Sex stories that get spread around are 99.9% of the time not true. Especially ones involving poo and blood. There was one that went around my sixth form common room about a girl who'd bled over someone's new white leather couch one. Almost certainly not true, was it?

2. It's scientifically possible to have a period once a week when PE lessons are concerned. "Arrrr sorry miss, I've got really bad cramps so I don't want to get hit by the netball." "Oh miss, I'm really heavy this month so I just don't want to get left in a really awkward situation during lacrosse."

3. There's absolutely no shame in pulling your tights up in public. Same goes for adjusting bras and pulling out wedgies.

4. The matching boys school was a bit like Mordor. A truly terrifying and unchartered land full of weird creatures that smell like Lynx and had really weird hair.

5. Any tampons or pads that you carry in your bag are communally available. You buy a box of tampons, you're actually just investing in them for your friends.  "Anyone got a tampon?" "Yeah but they're not applicator ones." "Oh that's fine, tah."

6. Regina George is very much real. And you will fear her unconditionally every single day until you leave school. But then you'll forget who the eff she even was and she'll disappear into obscurity hoorah.

7. Nothing is sacred or secret amongst a large group of females. Every single detail of your love life is there to be shared. "Did you do anything?" is the most commonly asked question. Your deepest, darkest secrets will be revealed - and then hideously embellished into something so bizarre that you don't even know how this giant game of Chinese Whispers could possibly become so weird, but people will forget about them by next week.

8. "ERM, LADIES" was a sign that you'd managed to really piss off your teacher. 'Girls' when you're in slightly less trouble.

9. Girls can be just as disgusting as boys, if not even more disgusting. Detailed sex discussion, detailed poo discussion, detailed weird body problems discussion. Every day. Mostly at lunch.

10. You've never seen hysteria until the day of the BCG/HPV vaccine. People fainting, screaming and crying in the corridors, swearing it's the biggest needle they've ever seen. It's utter chaos.

11. You don't ever really need to shave your legs unless it's a really special occasion. The rule is that if your leg hair is sticking through your tights, it might be time to shave. But even then, probs not. Maybe ask your friend to feel it and see what she thinks.

12. You will have been called a lesbian at least once in your life. Accurate for some, stereotype for others.

13. You were forever campaigning for the right to wear trousers. WHAT YEAR DO WE LIVE IN, MISS? But then you realised that actually, those trousers wouldn't be flattering skinny jeans - they were actually ugly af suit trousers and then you suddenly weren't so bothered.

14. Gender norms were basically scrapped from the first day of Year 7. All the people in charge of things were girls, all the crazy geniuses in maths and science: girls, all the fearsome debaters and lead roles in plays: all the ones getting into regular fights and swearing their heads off were girls, all the people sitting at the back of class making fart noises: girls. GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS.

15. People talking about you hurts more than a physical fight. And slut, bitch, slag etc. are NOT cool insults to use against a female human - no one knows that more than girls who've been to an all girls school and heard it used about each other.

16. The 'no distractions' stuff about having no boys around is BS. Well, not everyone fancies boys for one. Plus, there's also snacks, lunchtime options, general life stress and the rest of the world to discuss during the middle of a French lesson. Boys are the least interesting distraction of the lot, really.

17. All intense conversations were to be had in the weird back toilets were no-one ever went. No weeing, just crying and discussing.

18. Bobbles are precious currency that must be shared with loved ones in times of need. Same goes for kirby grips.

19. It bonds you to your gal pals for life. Because only they understand your true, deep rooted awkwardness, and all the aforementioned weird stuff you do. Yay girls.

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